What Dating Women Taught Me About Sex and Gender Roles

sexuality doesn’t fit in a heteronormative box

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Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

You will also find many of the women I dated have nothing in common physically.

My taste in women and men is wide and really transcends physical appearance.

I have dated all races and body types.

I don’t think I have a physical type as much I do a mental type.

When I started having sex with women luckily I had partners who were more sexually experienced.

They had more knowledge on how to please a woman than I did and that excited me.

My first orgasm was with a woman who went down on me for twenty minutes.

I watched the L word and found the relationships sexy and erotic.

I wanted to know what it felt like to be dominant with a woman.

I wanted to be in control.

For a while I dated women who were more sexually aggressive than me.

I think as I was learning about sex with women I held back in shyness.

Until I had my first long-term relationship with a woman and then I realized that we didn’t always have to play into the top-bottom sexual roles.

In our time together I discovered I was LOVED being the “top” or dominant in our sex life.

Autostraddle gives us a great breakdown of what it means to be a “top” in lesbian sex which basically means you are the giver more than the receiver.

There was something exciting and almost adrenaline-rushing to please my girlfriend.

It was a natural turn-on to know that she desired me to please her.

It excited me to finger-fuck her at a club on the dance floor or feel her cum in my mouth as I ate her vagina out.

I liked hearing her scream while I fucked her with vibrating dildos and strap-ons.

I like to think sex is a playground for creativity, freedom and pleasure.

Why hold back if you are curious?
We are human.

Sex is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you find someone you feel sexually safe with then enjoy the experience together.

We only live once and life is too short to live in our fantasies only.

I think what surprised me most about being with women is that I enjoyed being the top.

Even after my first lesbian relationship ended I continued to be sexually dominant with the women that followed after.

The thing I found strange in being in a lesbian relationship is people in the community would assume because I am feminine that I was a pillow-princess.

If I dated a woman who was more of a tom-boy our friends assumed she was the sexually dominant one in the relationship.

It’s funny how we apply these sexual stereotypes to straight or homosexual relationships.

I wish our society didn’t assume what the sexual gender roles must be like between gay, lesbian or straight relationships.

Why do we default to this type of thinking?

Does it make it easier to understand sex if we apply heteronormative gender roles to every LGBT relationship?

June is Pride Month for the LGBT community and as a bisexual activist of this community it is one of my most favorited holidays of the year.

Pride is a chance for us to talk openly about these matters and bring awareness.

It is an opportunity to relate to each other and celebrate sex, sexuality and humanity.

One thing dating men and women has taught me is it is 100% okay to unapologetically you in your sexual curiosities, sexuality and desires.

Written by

Self-help & mental health writer. Can't do small talk. Mama. Yogi. Coffee lover. Nature explorer. Get my free meditation mini-course here: www.emilystroia.com

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