With time and space, things change. Or so we hope.
Take a deep breath with me.
Maybe your mind has been running rampant in the stories of the past.
Maybe it’s been caught up in the trauma.
I swear trauma is like being underwater; your body is working overtime and your mind forgets to come up for air. For space.
I spend a lot of time reflecting on the past.
I have to remind myself of the dreams I had before the sexual trauma happened. I have to remind myself of the joy and curiosity I still have for life.
I get so caught up in the web of fragmented memories. I forget to see the bigger picture.
I enjoyed life somewhere in the land of time. I am discovering what that looks like now.
Who am I outside of the story?
Of the trauma?
There are moments when I literally come up for air.
I stop. Breathe. And remind myself, “Hey it’s okay”.
It’s over. We are here now.
I mentally imagine myself as my own best friend.
What would she say to me in those moments?
Be here now with me. Even if for just a moment.
Give yourself time. Give yourself space.
I remember one of my yoga mentors saying I had my whole life to understand yoga.
I feel like this relates to the practice of taking space from trauma.
We have our whole lives to understand the past. So why not take some space from it?
Although, after too much space I start to forget my practice. My values. The work I have done in having a deep relationship to the trauma.
I start to disconnect completely from the past. From the trauma.
I fall into the trap of avoidance. Ta-dah!
In the space I take I practice being present.
Laughter with my family.
Nature walks with my son.
Love. so much love.
A delicious piece of chocolate.
But then I love the present so much I avoid the past.
I can’t find a happy middle place with it yet. I am still learning how to integrate it completely in my life.
It’s either/or. Not and/both yet.
I tell myself, “Oh I will work on that later.”
Convince myself that I am healed.
I haven’t been triggered in a while so it can’t possibly be an issue.
But the reality is that even in my space, in the present, in my moments of joy I remember the trauma.
The trauma sits on a stoop in the house of my mind reminding me that there is still work to be done.
My advice, don’t fall into the trap of avoidance. It can be a persuasive talker.
We have our lives to understand the stories of the past.
And I hope that someday I make mine a masterpiece that I can tell fully as a one big picture.
Until then let’s support each other in creating a whole life.
An authentic one. A real one. With time and space.